Marital lesson

On their 40th wedding anniversary celebrations, the husband was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of such a long marriage. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom said: "Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single."

Getting even

Husband to wife: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger”?
Wife: “I clean the toilet bowl”.
Husband: “How does that help”?
Wife: “I use your toothbrush”.

Healthy lesson

A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk. Help me.”
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered. The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” the man yelled.
“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the ‘B’.”

Photo shoot

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or “That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

Too young

Doctor to patient’s husband: “I’m sorry. We did all that was humanly possible but we just can’t wake her up from her coma. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid.”
“But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only thirty-nine.”
Upon which the comatose wife said weakly, “Thirty-seven.”

Plane truth

The plane was only half full. When an attractive young woman asked a man if the seat next to him was free, his male ego soared. Soon they were chatting pleasantly, and she told him it was her first flight.
"Mom told me to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."

Eye for detail

An old lady was nervous because her eyesight was failing and she was afraid that her friend whom she was expecting to marry might reject her. So, she comes up with a plan to prove to him that she can see perfectly. She puts a straight pin on a tree that is about 200 feet from her front porch. When her beau arrives, they sat in the porch swing and are talking when she suddenly stops the conversation and asks, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?" Her friend squints his eyes and says, "I don’t see a thing." "Well, I’m going to go and see," she says as she jumps up, runs towards the tree, and collides with a cow.

Weight and watch

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this manoeuvre, she commented, "I don’t think that’s going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers."

Good job

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I’ve been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for 11 years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Far-sighted

A Czech immigrant went to the DMV office in America to apply for a driver’s licence. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it," he replied, "I know the guy."

Cyber police

Man: Please register my complaint, my computer is stolen.

Police constable: Is internet also stolen?

Hijackers' trick

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

Fees

A new client meets a famous lawyer.Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Difference

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

Nail biting

A girl had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing yoga to cure the problem. Soon her fingernails started growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend asked if yoga had totally cured her problem.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."