Marital lesson

On their 40th wedding anniversary celebrations, the husband was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of such a long marriage. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom said: "Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single."

Getting even

Husband to wife: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger”?
Wife: “I clean the toilet bowl”.
Husband: “How does that help”?
Wife: “I use your toothbrush”.

Healthy lesson

A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk. Help me.”
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered. The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” the man yelled.
“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the ‘B’.”

Photo shoot

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or “That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

Too young

Doctor to patient’s husband: “I’m sorry. We did all that was humanly possible but we just can’t wake her up from her coma. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid.”
“But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only thirty-nine.”
Upon which the comatose wife said weakly, “Thirty-seven.”

Plane truth

The plane was only half full. When an attractive young woman asked a man if the seat next to him was free, his male ego soared. Soon they were chatting pleasantly, and she told him it was her first flight.
"Mom told me to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."

Eye for detail

An old lady was nervous because her eyesight was failing and she was afraid that her friend whom she was expecting to marry might reject her. So, she comes up with a plan to prove to him that she can see perfectly. She puts a straight pin on a tree that is about 200 feet from her front porch. When her beau arrives, they sat in the porch swing and are talking when she suddenly stops the conversation and asks, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?" Her friend squints his eyes and says, "I don’t see a thing." "Well, I’m going to go and see," she says as she jumps up, runs towards the tree, and collides with a cow.